The Many Faces of Mothers
It seems ironic that Mother’s Day is considered to be one of the most popular Hallmark holidays, especially in the world of therapists. Because the reality is, for many, the greeting card slogans are simply an idealized representation of how we should feel. Our relationship with our mother is one of the most important and complex relationships we have in life. Whether we were birthed or adopted at an early age, she was our first significant contact – our first knowledge of human connection and intimacy.
She was our first teacher, influencing our ability to bond with others. How she was initially able to attach and show love, directly impacted our emotional development. It is then no wonder that this relationship is one of the most complicated ones we have throughout our lives. Most people have intense emotional experiences with their mothers. For some this is rooted more in pain and trauma, for others in friendship, for others, in frustration, and for others, it is a seemingly natural and healthy relationship with no major hiccups.
Regardless of how we recognize and celebrate Mother’s Day, it is important to remember that the realities of having a mother are vastly different for everyone, as we see examples of this everyday right here in our own community. Abuse and neglect crosses all socio economic statuses and religions. One may have grown up within a privileged home or community, but behind closed doors was experiencing the same pain and fear as the under-privileged child on the other side of town. Abandonment comes in various forms – whether it is emotional or physical, a mother with resources can just as easily damage her child as one without.
As therapists at Dupont Counseling Group, we work with many people who fall within this spectrum. Whether it is with the adult children or the children removed from home, attachment issues are dealt with cross-culturally, socially, etc. In working with people coping with issues related to their mothers, we often spend a great deal of time helping them to accept the painful realities of their past and present. Particularly in our work with abused and neglected children, we (the JFCS caseworkers), are literally their “custodians,” their “legal guardians,” while the biological parent is complying with tasks in attempt to regain custody of them. The reality for these children is often one of survival. The reality for the mothers (of these children) often includes tremendous issues of grief and loss that we may never be able to break through. With the children, we address the pain of their abandonment and teach them ways to better adapt – helping them to prevent repeating patterns of abuse in their own lives. And with the mothers, our work is in attempting to gain their trust in order to help them develop skills to make better choices to protect their children. Many of the mothers we work with are unable to change their reality – they are without the resources or support. And for most of us, we are familiar with this reality on some level – we do what we know. We do the best we can with the resources and skills we have and hope that things turn out. This is a pretty universal theme – “I’m doing better than my own mother did, so I must be doing something right.”
It is important to remember that no matter who we are, where we came from or how we grew up, we all had a mother at some point in our lives. Whether she was involved, over-involved, disengaged or absent, loving or abusive – she got us here. So as you celebrate Mother’s Day this year, consider yourself lucky if this holiday evokes positive feelings. Honor and nurture your relationship with your mother and take this as an opportunity to show your love and appreciation toward her. And if this holiday brings you pain, then sit with the pain (or come and talk with us!) and remind yourself that you are not your mother. You can choose to parent differently. After all, it is just a holiday.
Rachel Weinstein, LMHC
Manager of Clinical Services
Dupont Counseling Group
