As we recently paid tribute to our mothers, recognizing the significance of this relationship, this month we do the same for our fathers. However, unlike Mother’s Day, this holiday is not as commercialized and tends to get lost in the shuffle. Despite the fact that the role of father is equally important as the mother in the emotional and social development of a child, we tend to overlook the power this parent has in the shaping of their lives.

We are bombarded with the mixed messages received from our media about what it means to be a man. The idea of violence being associated with strength and protection being linked with fear can be confusing concepts for children. It becomes complicated defining gender roles in a way that is reasonable and acceptable within our culture.  In the traditional sense, it’s important that both boys and girls ideally experience a father who has a thorough sense of self, is emotionally aware and has a well-defined role – a knowledge that he is able to provide for and protect his family, while showing love and affection. Picture the image of a teddy bear with a sword –  valiant, strong, warm and accepting. This is a tall order for many. But how a man defines himself will determine his strength as a father.

So, you may ask, what can be done?  How can we counteract these messages that quickly and subconsciously become ingrained in us?  The following are some questions to begin asking yourself:

• What does masculinity mean to me?
• What does being a father mean to me?
• How was communication expressed by my father growing up? By my parents?
• Do I have different expectations of my role based on the gender of my child? (Do I want my son to perceive me one way, and my daughter another?)
• And now, how can this be put into action to strengthen your relationship with your children?

Be honest with yourself. Give some thought into the above questions – are you pleased with your beliefs? Or do you want to change them? Be honest with your kids. Talk to them. Share stories of what you were like as a child at their age so they better understand and relate to you. Often, while men are trying to protect and provide, they may forget about the necessity of connecting.

Learn how to discipline without inducing fear. It’s not just about being the “heavy” in the home, it’s about establishing mutual respect.  Engage in an activity while talking: playing a game together, a sport, fishing, etc. Most meaningful communications with men occur when participating in an activity.

So, to all you fathers out there: hug yourself, hug and kiss your kids. Tell them you love them. But more importantly, show them you do.  Remember . . . you are a teddy bear with a sword.

Rachel Weinstein, LMHC
Manager of Clinical Services
Dupont Counseling Group

Filed under: General by jfcsjax.org Thursday, June 2nd, 2011
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It seems ironic that Mother’s Day is considered to be one of the most popular Hallmark holidays, especially in the world of therapists. Because the reality is, for many, the greeting card slogans are simply an idealized representation of how we should feel.  Our relationship with our mother is one of the most important and complex relationships we have in life. Whether we were birthed or adopted at an early age, she was our first significant contact – our first knowledge of human connection and intimacy.

She was our first teacher, influencing our ability to bond with others.  How she was initially able to attach and show love, directly impacted our emotional development.  It is then no wonder that this relationship is one of the most complicated ones we have throughout our lives. Most people have intense emotional experiences with their mothers.  For some this is rooted more in pain and trauma, for others in friendship, for others, in frustration, and for others, it is a seemingly natural and healthy relationship with no major hiccups.

Regardless of how we recognize and celebrate Mother’s Day, it is important to remember that the realities of having a mother are vastly different for everyone, as we see examples of this everyday right here in our own community. Abuse and neglect crosses all socio economic statuses and religions. One may have grown up within a privileged home or community, but behind closed doors was experiencing the same pain and fear as the under-privileged child on the other side of town.  Abandonment comes in various forms – whether it is emotional or physical, a mother with resources can just as easily damage her child as one without.

As therapists at Dupont Counseling Group, we work with many people who fall within this spectrum. Whether it is with the adult children or the children removed from home, attachment issues are dealt with cross-culturally, socially, etc.  In working with people coping with issues related to their mothers, we often spend a great deal of time helping them to accept the painful realities of their past and present.  Particularly in our work with abused and neglected children, we (the JFCS caseworkers), are literally their “custodians,” their “legal guardians,” while the biological parent is complying with tasks in attempt to regain custody of them.  The reality for these children is often one of survival. The reality for the mothers (of these children) often includes tremendous issues of grief and loss that we may never be able to break through. With the children, we address the pain of their abandonment and teach them ways to better adapt – helping them to prevent repeating patterns of abuse in their own lives.  And with the mothers, our work is in attempting to gain their trust in order to help them develop skills to make better choices to protect their children. Many of the mothers we work with are unable to change their reality – they are without the resources or support.  And for most of us, we are familiar with this reality on some level – we do what we know. We do the best we can with the resources and skills we have and hope that things turn out. This is a pretty universal theme – “I’m doing better than my own mother did, so I must be doing something right.”

It is important to remember that no matter who we are, where we came from or how we grew up, we all had a mother at some point in our lives. Whether she was involved, over-involved, disengaged or absent, loving or abusive – she got us here.  So as you celebrate Mother’s Day this year, consider yourself lucky if this holiday evokes positive feelings. Honor and nurture your relationship with your mother and take this as an opportunity to show your love and appreciation toward her.  And if this holiday brings you pain, then sit with the pain (or come and talk with us!) and remind yourself that you are not your mother. You can choose to parent differently. After all, it is just a holiday.

Rachel Weinstein, LMHC
Manager of Clinical Services
Dupont Counseling Group

Filed under: General by jfcsjax.org Thursday, May 5th, 2011
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We recognize the religious and cultural relevance of the holiday of Passover for our families and Jews globally. It might also be an interesting task (therapeutically speaking), to explore the personal symbolism this holiday holds. Words and ideas like: freedom, suffering, independence, escape, pain, past, reflection, present, hope and future are some that immediately come to mind for many of us when we hear the word “Passover.”

Like most significant Jewish holidays, this is a common theme – remembering the pain of the past and looking with hope to the future. But let’s take this to a personal level. Ask yourself: What has been my personal ‘exodus’ this past year? What have I escaped or overcome? What was I able to escape with (emotionally and spiritually)? What have I lost? What have I gained? Celebrating this holiday is an important opportunity for us to not only be reminded of the historical meaning, but also to embrace the personal one – what brings it home for each of us.

The Seder itself makes it impossible to avoid self-reflection. If we look carefully, this traditional gathering is filled with rituals taking us right back to our childhood. We become emotionally transported to our early family Seders and are flooded with these childhood and family memories. Depending on our circumstances and context of family during that time, this may feel positive or negative and feelings of anxiety may resurface depending on our perception.

As you hear yourself read from the Hagaddah, with the repetitive theme of hope that next year will be different – do you feel regret? Are you replaying in your mind all of the things you wished you had changed this year? Or when you are dipping bitter herbs or making a Hillel sandwich, what are you feeling? This holiday is bittersweet; remembering the pain and suffering, with equal focus on the present, visions and dreams for the future.

As I was recently reminded by a friend – “After every night comes a sunrise.” Not only is this a wonderful analogy for life, but I think it holds particular significance for this holiday. Without hope, we are not truly living. As we have historically risen beyond trauma and adversity, we know survival well. So, as you prepare for and sit down at your Seder this year with your friends and loved ones, see if you can try something a little different. See if you can become a little more conscious of your own personal journey this past year and what it has meant to you. Then see if you can commit to changing something within yourself – something that will make you feel more complete, more authentic. This year we celebrate here, “next year, in Jerusalem.” What are you going to try to make better? What pain are you willing to go though? How and when? Challenge yourself. This is your year. This is your time to live. Happy Pesach!

Rachel Weinstein, LMHC
Manager of Clinical Services
Dupont Counseling Group

Filed under: General by jfcsjax.org Tuesday, April 19th, 2011
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As we welcome February and the month symbolizing romance and love, it seems only appropriate to acknowledge the relevance of creating and maintaining intimate relationships.  We are all familiar with the intensity and complexity of personal partnerships and these struggles often come to life during therapy sessions with couples. The staff at Dupont Counseling Group is skilled at assisting with these common and often challenging issues.  We always seem surprised that relationships are as difficult and painful as they are. We seem shocked that divorce rates are sky-rocketing. But the reality is, learning to have a healthy, intimate and authentic relationship with another human being is one of the toughest jobs most people will ever have to learn to do, and many of us will be practicing throughout the course of our lives.

When working with couples in long-term relationships, the idea of re-connecting becomes paramount in addressing the challenges they face. We are so used to living in a goal or task- focused society filled with scheduling, routines and attempts to maintain consistency and structure in our lives. This is, for most of us, what helps us to maintain balance and sanity (for lack of a better word) in our over-committed lifestyles. The other side to this is that often we forget to play, relax and have fun with the one we’ve chosen to share our life with.

Although relationships are quite complex and the therapeutic process may address multiple underlying painful roots, the truth is, most people want to belong and feel important to someone else.  And many are willing to do the hard work required to become better connected.    We teach people how to make time for each other, how to create space to encourage intimacy, how to have fun together, how to relieve stress productively, how to show support to each other, and overall, how to communicate better.  For some this comes easily and for others it’s more challenging.

Most of the success of couples counseling comes from the willingness and readiness to grow and change. The tough part is recognizing and admitting that the change has to start within ourselves and then committing to do this individual work required—learning to self-examine to better understand our role within the relationship.  Also, the reality is, that depending on how strong the “base” is, how strong the foundation of friendship, the better the chance of getting through the painful parts and the life transitions which occur over time in the relationship.

The following are just a few focus areas addressed in therapy to help with re-connecting:

Expectations: We typically expect our partners to feel, think and communicate like we each do, particularly during times of stress. This is an unrealistic expectation.  Men and women process and communicate differently.  Helping people to understand this is a large piece of the puzzle. When we can reach folks through facts, they may be more apt to open up to each other.  So often people are simply stuck or trapped by their thought processes, the messages they’ve held most of their lives, with no awareness that some are unhealthy or unrealistic.

Empathy: Helping people to develop and keep empathy for each other. Begin seeing and really listening to the other, gaining perspective by putting oneself in the “other shoe.”

Homework: Since therapy typically takes place once weekly and is generally short-term, homework is often utilized. We encourage couples to practice healthy engagement at home, such as planning special time together while putting in boundaries on communication (e.g. not talking about household bills or the children while on “date night”).

Healthy Self: As previously mentioned, we encourage the development of insight and self-awareness with couples, individually.  This is key to the success of any healthy, intimate relationship. We must know who we are and what we bring to be able to develop the skills needed for mutual growth.

So, with all that being said, begin the New Year reconnecting and rejuvenating your relationship. And if you find you need a little nudge along the way, remember the staff at Dupont Counseling Group is ready to assist with open, professional arms.  Please call our intake line at 394-5706 to schedule an appointment.

Rachel Weinstein, LMHC
Manager of Clinical Services
Dupont Counseling Group

Filed under: General by jfcsjax.org Tuesday, March 1st, 2011
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